strength

Pilgrims on their knees.
Weary.
Knees worn and bleeding.

This is life.

Yes, I know. There is so much good in my life and in the lives all around me. The goodness of life is grand. All the joy. All the smiles. All the sunshiny moments.

But there's a dark and a troubled side too. We go and go and go and go, often past the point when we don't know how to keep going at all. So every time I hear "God Be with You Till We Meet Again" I now see a picture of endurance. You go and go and endure and go and endure. So tired in the end that you're left in a kneeling heap. Effort. It takes all you have to raise your head from your prostrate position at his feet. Yes, you made it. Come into my rest.

The above words reflect some thoughts I wrote down last September; I've continued to mull them around, especially during the last couple months. There hasn't been a day since Tawna's passing I haven't thought of her. Every day I think of her strength and endurance; I marvel at her fortitude. She has blessed my life for good. Boy, I have a long way to go, but I'm grateful I don't have to go it alone. Every day I'm blessed by the smiles of others, by the love of my family, by the beauty of this earth, and by so many things I would never be able to stop counting.

cheep

My aunt got herself an early birthday present, in the form of chicks. We went and saw them last week. Sooo cute! Eamon learned a new word--cheep--and said it many a time as we sat there, watching them roam about on the grass.

I love spring! And I love all my lovely family that's so nearby. You know who you are, and you're the best. Happy first day of spring!

rest

My morning runs and swims free me from "forethought[s] of grief," especially with Tawna so close to the veil now. Too many thoughts swirling round. To simply sum up: I'm going to miss her, but she will be free from her failing body--and such freedom will be joyful and relieving.

The Peace of Wild Things
by Wendell Berry

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be.
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world and am free.

old emails make me smile

like ones from 2006, when I was in Ukraine, apparently pleading for my sister to send me some electronic mail:

rat-a-tat-tat-tatty

every week, i get my hopes up high, higher than jane and michael ever flew their kites, that i'll get an e-mail from you, and then every week my kite gets caught, cut, wounded, bloddied, clubbed, and rent in the likes of a whomping willow tree when i see that there is not a word from my beloved guya.

basically i almost die a bloody death when i'm left without anything from you.

because i love you.

and i want to hear from you.

i love you.

have a great week,

skabsislyn

Her response:
Well, I sent you a letter so you can't die a bloody death. You shall recieve it soon, hopefully. Also, are you allowed to abbreviate your name like that?

a Sunday morning

Eamon has some awesome mad-scientist hair after bathtime. The light came in his window so gloriously as Andrew was dressing him that I couldn't help taking lotsa pictures. My boys are pretty handsome.

Marmee gave E the cutest church outfit for his birthday. On a whim last week, I tried it on him; I thought it wouldn't fit because he's almost 14 mths and the outfit is 24 mths. Well, the top--white shirt, vest, and tie--fit perfectly but the pants were very many inches too long. So we dress him in his jeans on bottom and the rest on top. Thanks, Marm, for the fun and cute outfit. I just love the tie on him. Here he is with it on last week:

grammas and grampas: all great

Gramma wouldn't even let me do the dishes after supper. I stood at the sink ready to fill it with sudsy water, but she demanded I come sit back down at the table. I complied.

Dad ended up doing the dishes.

And watching my baby all weekend long so I could coach the swimmers at the meet.

Gramma and Grampa cooked a feast for breakfast as well. I savored my grapefruit, pancakes (with apple topping AND syrup), sausage, banana, and 2% milk. I felt like royalty.

They gave us a sackful, a bulging sackful, of potatoes and onions from their glorious garden.

As if all that wasn't quite enough, what sealed the deal was the surprise bottle of raspberries I found as I was unpacking our stuff last night.

I'm spoiled. Really. I'm so blessed I feel I can't return proper or adequate thanks.

By their fruits ye shall know them.

They are so good to me. Sounds like a primary song, no?

A bottle of raspberries. A tall cool jar full of the most delicious taste; it takes me straight back to Gramma Roth's kitchen. And then to her cellar. I miss her. I wish I could still go visit her and sit on her porch, made warm by the afternoon sun. I wish I could hug her and feel her arm around my waist.

I enjoyed a treat last night. I poured a mugful of those raspberries, along with the sweet red juice, and paired it with a graham cracker. Savored every bite.

Thanks for the lovely weekend, Gramma, Grampa, and Pa. Hoping to return thanks in some way by striving to possess as much goodness as you.

book report

One of my favorite people and teachers, Chris Crowe, recommended A Monster Calls to me. I bought it off Amazon using the gift card Rachel and Ryan gave me (thanks guys!).

About this book:

Wow.

It hit very close to home. I know that's a cliche of an idiom, but really, with Tawna not doing very well and having digressed so quickly the last few months, it made me think even deeper and harder about life, death, meaning, love, letting go, and many other things.

I loved the book. To me it's very touching in an almost disturbing way--a way I needed at this very moment in my life.

The art is stunning.

Image found here.

"The New York Times" review may be found here.